Timing
by tessmagnolia
Summary: Abby and Carter have dinner and discuss life, love and the past.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I only borrowed them - I promise to give them back. Authors notes: This is my first venture into the land of ff.net, though I do have other fics posted around. So please be nice ( I'd like to thank Courtney for beta-ing this chapter, Lily for helping me generate new ideas and Nette for forcing me to post. I hope you enjoy.  
  
Part 1  
  
"Shoot!" She screamed in pain, hopping on her left foot she clutched at her right. The stack of charts had landed on her toes with a huge force.  
  
"Abby, you okay?" Jerry called over to her.  
  
"Yep, fine, just give me a minute." She took a few deep cleansing breaths and immediately felt much better. "So what time's the new attending getting here?"  
  
"He should be starting now. He's in talking to Weaver at the minute."  
  
"Oh great, well, this guy won't even make it to his first shift!" It was a standing joke that the new attendings' couldn't hack the fast pace of the ER and the longest out of the previous eight hired, barely lasted a week.  
  
"Why? He hasn't met you yet!" Colette teased her.  
  
Abby rolled her eyes good-naturedly.  
  
"Hey, you know what I heard?" Abby asked the resident.  
  
"No, what?" She asked eagerly.  
  
"He's a 44 year old virgin, who gets his kicks sleazing up to residents and his hobbies include train-spotting!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No." Grinning she walked away from her friend.  
  
Colette met up with Abby in Curtain Area 3 minutes later just as she was finishing medicating an alcoholic-induced comatose. "Oh my God," she laughed as she closed the curtains behind her.  
  
"What?" Abby asked in eagerly.  
  
"He's about average height, brown hair, gorgeous eyes, bit of a weird nose. and he's got Weaver eating out his hands."  
  
"So you met him?"  
  
Abby couldn't understand her friend sometimes - well, most of the time. She had this spirit that whisked you away with her and a forgetfulness that only arose in real life - as a doctor her patient care was spotless.  
  
Colette had entered Abby's life at a point when she was feeling particularly vulnerable, having lost everything she had cared about. She had found the Intern in tears on the roof and her heart just went out to her. When she looked into at Colette, she recognised the same fear, pain and anguish she herself saw every time she looked in the mirror.  
  
After that point of confidante their friendship, which others couldn't understand, had blossomed. The rest of the staff didn't see that underneath their respective masks they were so similar.  
  
"Well, I . err . I wanted to tell you first."  
  
"Col, I've told you this before. Get the gossip first, and then come and tell me." She had to grin at Colette's absentmindedness.  
  
"Well he seemed nice, he's in his mid-thirties. Bit young for your tastes though!"  
  
"Hey!" Was she insulted? Thinking back over her last few years out in the dating world, she had gone for the older man. Not that she'd been on many dates, but she felt more secure with them and then she would be the one to end it. When Carter had gone something inside her had snapped and she never wanted to feel the sickening sensation of being abandoned by someone she cared about. Then of course there were those disastrous blind dates Col had set her up on.  
  
"Sorry." Colette laughed at Abby's injured features. "So you want to come out and meet him?" Colette asked once she'd gotten Abby's attention back.  
  
"Sure." Finishing with the IV, she checked her patient's vitals before following the tiny blonde out towards the admin desk.  
  
"Hey where's the attending gone? I wanted to meet him." Col whined.  
  
"Calm down Colette, he'll be back in a minute. Weaver, wanted to show him some new procedure she's implemented." Frank told her.  
  
"God not another one. You'd think that woman would have better things to with her time." Abby groaned, not realising that 'that woman' had walked up behind her.  
  
"Abby, do you have an issue you want to raise?" The stern voice came from behind her.  
  
"No Doctor Weaver, I was just sa." As she turned round she came face-to- face with the new attending and momentarily was at a loss for words. "Everything's fine Doctor Weaver." She finally managed to finish.  
  
"Hmmm." The doctor wasn't convinced, but Abby couldn't have cared less. Glancing round she scanned for her nearest exit.  
  
Continuing, Doctor Weaver placed her hand on the arm of the man stood beside her. "Colette I'm glad you're here. This is Doctor Carter, our new - and permanent - Attending." She emphasised the last word and looked directly at Abby, who in turn gave the woman a confident 'I-don't-care-what- you-throw-at-me' look in return. Kerry chose to momentarily ignore it. "John, this is Colette Ashby and I am sure you remember Abby."  
  
Remembering her manners she managed to smile up at John, but was dismissed as she watched him take Colette's outstretched hand. Fighting an internal battle she barely heard their light conversation, the uneasy banter and jokes of two newly acquainted colleagues, as she was forced to remember how it used to be between them; leaving her feeling vulnerable and awkward - two emotions she could really do without.  
  
Snapping out of her daze she excused herself.  
  
* Three years and she still had the ability to take his heart into the palm of her hand and squeeze the life out of him. She'd looked shocked, almost angered by the sight of him. Not that he'd expected anything more. He had walked out of the ER a broken man, but now planned to return stronger and show her what she had missed out on.  
  
*  
  
Abby made her way out of the front entrance of the hospital and simply started walking. Thoughts of the remaining two hours left in her shift or of the patients she had cast aside weren't on her mind. All she could see and hear was John, her mind playing a cruel joke on her. Replaying all the great times they had had together and then in full colour, the final blazing row that had ended any chance of reconciliation and any chance of their future happiness. But he'd looked happy today, she thought, so maybe he had moved on and she was still living in the past. Well, then she'd show him.  
  
* She arrived back at the hospital just as a heavy trauma pulled in. Grabbing the side of the gurney, she accompanied Colette inside and ignored the questioning looks being thrown her way.  
  
It then took all her focus to concentrate on the patient once Carter had entered and went to work.  
  
"That's it." Carter let out a frustrated growl. She knew how much she hated losing a patient especially when the life was so young. This kid, barely sixteen, had been in the front seat of a two-car collision. The other passengers had come out relatively unscarred, which meant one of them had to go break the news. "Time of death 13:23."  
  
She watched him slam down his gloves and move towards the door.  
  
"Doctor Carter, wait. I'll go." Colette offered.  
  
"Thanks." His smile was genuine. "And please, just call me Carter. Everyone does."  
  
"Will do . Carter." She raised her eyebrows flirtatiously as she repeated his name.  
  
As she prepared the death kit, Abby didn't notice the room empty of everyone but Carter; however, as the hairs on the back of her neck rose, she was acutely aware of the awkwardness they each generated.  
  
Nervously she began cleaning up the area and then grabbed the now-prepared death kit only aware of his gaze following her every action.  
  
"Weaver was looking for you earlier." His words broke the deafening silence.  
  
"I just bet she was," she muttered under her breath. Then she spoke more clearly. "Well she couldn't have looked far, I had my pager with me." She grabbed it out to show him and was annoyed to find four missed responses. "Oh. I guess it wasn't working properly."  
  
Watching him smirk in response, she turned away and prepared the body for viewing by the family. It was moments like this that everything momentarily came back into perspective.  
  
"So Doctor Carter." The moment had passed. "How have you been?"  
  
"Abby, I think we've known each other long enough to skip the formalities."  
  
"'Known' may not be the right word to use." Just as she was about to say more, the parents of the child came in with Colette.  
  
"It's okay, don't be afraid to touch him." Abby told the grief stricken couple, who had paused beside their child. Excusing herself for the second time from Carter she walked straight into the path of Kerry Weaver and by the look on her face Abby was in a hell of a lot of trouble.  
  
"Abby, may I have a word with you at the end of your shift. Which by my watch is in two hours and twelve minutes including the time while you were AWOL."  
  
"Of course Doctor Weaver." She smiled at her boss as she walked away, any other movement may have ended with Kerry's entrails being hung out across the admin area. She still couldn't believe Kerry had hired John without warning her. Everybody knew about their relationship and how it had ended. or at least the highlighted version.  
  
She couldn't believe that Kerry wouldn't expect her to not be shocked and she couldn't believe that she was still musing over that conversation twenty minutes later. Getting her act into gear, she changed 5 patients IV's, admitted and ensured 8 patients were discharged by the relevant doctors and ultimately avoided seeing John Carter.  
  
"Doctor Weaver?" She approached the formidable doctor with a definite sense of impending doom.  
  
"Abby. Yes. It's about next week's scheduling. You were down to." The words just washed over her - she had expected a full-blown one-sided row, while she bit her tongue in an attempt to not get fired, so this was completely out of nowhere.  
  
"I'll sort it out." Abby said finally and turned to leave.  
  
"Oh and Abby." She watched as her employer struggled with her next turn of phrase. "I hope you and John can get over your differences."  
  
Abby stood, shell-shocked, as Kerry limped away.  
  
"So how pissed was she?" Colette asked as she approached the Abby who was feeling too dumbstruck to move. "You know if you'd told me you were bunking off I would have covered for you."  
  
"Thanks. But she barely mentioned it. Just harped on about scheduling." Looking past Colette she could see Carter watching her and promptly moved out of his line of vision. "So I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"Wait, Abby!" Colette called after her, causing Abby to swing round surprised.  
  
"What's up?"  
  
"A few of us are going out for a drink tonight. How do you fancy it?"  
  
It sounded a good idea and she could really do with a drink to unwind after a day like today. "That sounds like a great idea."  
  
"Right. We're meeting at 8 in the City Vaults. See you later."  
  
* She was early, but that didn't faze her she was used to drinking on her own. Talking to the barman for a few minutes she noticed an empty table in the corner and crossed over to it.  
  
She had a perfect view of the doorway and right on time, Col walked through the door, followed by Chess, Halle, Joanne, Matt, Susan and. Carter. Carter was here. Her heart jumped up into her throat, she should have known what this night out was about. They didn't seem to have spotted her yet, and she hoped she could possible slip out unnoticed.  
  
Too late.  
  
"Abby, you're here!" Col screamed across the room. Abby watched her urge the others over to the table while she and Matt, the latest in her string of rich, gorgeous boyfriends, brought over the drinks.  
  
Chess sat next to her while Carter managed to manoeuvre into a seat furthest from her. Chess was the biggest flirt in the ER and had even managed to twist Weaver round his little finger. He thought he was gorgeous, the most annoying part of which being that he was right. Regardless, his cheeky grin and amusing whit made you love him anyway.  
  
"Wow Abby. You look great tonight." He smiled at her, before noticing her glass of lemonade. "Not drinking again?"  
  
"Hey somebody has to keep you guys in line." A small smile crept upon her lips, three years of sobriety and counting.  
  
"You see this Carter?" Chess yelled over to him and placed his hand on top of Abby's. "This girl is like a tea-total super girl, your mum and the sexy Lois Lane all bundled up into one. Yet she still hasn't the sense to go out with me."  
  
Abby looked first at Chess in amusement and then over at Carter to gage his reaction. It was hard to read as he wasn't looking directly at her, but she got the feeling that he was happy with this revelation.  
  
*  
  
"Okay drinking games time!" Col declared as she racked up a round of tequila shots. They had been there over an hour and everybody was getting into the spirit of things. "And look who I found." She pulled Jing Mei from behind and smiled proudly as if she had been the one to discover Jing Mei's existence.  
  
Col placed a shot glass in front of each of them and then got a mischievous look in her eye. "Now are you sure you don't want to join in?" She asked Carter.  
  
Abby and Carter were the only ones sober that night and it amused Abby to see their antics and know that she was no longer influenced by that particular habit.  
  
On the other hand her addiction for cigarettes hadn't gone away and lighting up her third of the evening she inhaled deeply before exhaling out the smoke along with the tension inside her.  
  
Looking up she noticed Carter was gazing at her, so she smiled and then offered her packet to him. To her surprise he actually took one.  
  
*  
  
Carter had to smile at her bemused look. He hardly ever smoked, but he wanted to see her reaction when he accepted a cigarette. Tonight had gone better than he had thought. Susan was getting merrier by the minute and had let slip a number of secret and not-so-secret pieces of gossip, including the snippet he was holding close to his heart: that Abby hadn't been officially dating anyone, not now and not since he'd been gone.  
  
"Okay, salt, lick, go!" Colette called out as they all downed their first shot.  
  
"See Carter, it isn't all that bad. You sure you won't have one."  
  
"No thanks." He grinned back at her.  
  
"Whoops!" Colette cried out as she fell into Carter's arms. Everyone else laughed, but the sudden intimacy created caused something to sting at the back of Abby's eyes.  
  
Excusing herself while the other's fussed over Col she made it outside before she took a second breath.  
  
Looking round she tried in vain to get a cab, but none stopped, which meant she had two options left - go back inside or walk to catch the El. She knew which she preferred and strode purposely towards the station.  
  
"Abby!" A voice called out to her, causing her to stop and turn.  
  
"What's up?" She asked as the figure joined her.  
  
"I didn't want you walking home alone."  
  
"Chess I can manage really." She nodded back in the direction of the bar. "Go back and enjoy yourself."  
  
"Only if you're sure."  
  
"Yes. Goodnight." She called over her shoulder. Not seeing Carter stood at the door watching them. 


	2. Chapter 2

Authors Notes: Thanks again to Courtney and Lily for their respective help along the way. This chapter has a lot more Carby interaction and I'm personally quite pleased with how the latter part turned out. Thank-you to everyone who reviewed :D. And don't forget to leave a little review to let me know how you're enjoying it, what could be improved and how the development of my characters is. Critique is great and will help me improve this story.  
  
Jo - I'm glad you like Colette. I really wanted to create a similar character of Abby, for Abby to confide in - but with her mask being that of a childlike, carefree innocence. I hope that makes sense!  
  
Huge shout out to Nette - who has been great, and is my little ER season 10 fairy ;)  
  
Part 2  
  
"Full trauma panel, chem. 7 and call the OR" Susan yelled out. It was another hectic day in the ER and Abby was less-than-pleased to be stuck on trauma duty all day. Getting yelled at alternately by the Doctors, who seemed to think she was their personal scuttpuppy and the constant flow of deviants, nauseates and just down right smelly patients was severely testing her patience.  
  
"You okay?" Col asked as she entered the lounge and saw Abby's resting her head in her hands.  
  
Looking up she tried to smile, but it took way too much effort. "Thank God I'm off in two hours."  
  
"Matt's taking me to this new restaurant on Richmond Way tonight and then.  
  
"I get the picture." Abby rolled her eyes at her friend's excitement. "So things are heating up between the two of you?"  
  
"I think they are." Colette smiled secretly.  
  
"Are you not telling me something?" Abby demanded.  
  
"No." Col replied apparently surprised by the remark, but then said in a conspiratorially voice. "I think he wants to be exclusive!"  
  
"Oh." Her tone reflected her surprise at something so trivial. "I thought. no. never mind." Abby said almost to herself, but it didn't matter as Colette had carried on talking, with out batting an eyelid at what she'd said.  
  
"Five months Abby. This is the longest meaningful relationship I've had. ever!" Colette then added seriously. "We're happy together. And I think I love him."  
  
"Love? It's a bit soon for that?"  
  
"Yeah, but when you know you know." Colette smiled at her friends drawn expression and then went over to give her a reassuring hug. "Besides. You did tell me about the whole second date rule!"  
  
"Abby? Are you okay?" Carter walked in the room and saw Col hugging a very solemn-looking Abby.  
  
"She's fine. Aren't you, Ab's?" Carter had to smile at the pet name Abby hated, especially when he noted her forced smile. "She's just trying to warn me off the pitfalls of love and the whole relationship thing!"  
  
"She's right. Slow and easy wins the race."  
  
Colette glanced at Abby to see if she understood, but Abby merely smiled and shrugged!  
  
"Carter?" Colette turned back to him. Her arms gestured her confusion.  
  
"I'm just saying it doesn't hurt to wait and see how things go before you get too serious. I mean you're only young once."  
  
"Come off it guys." Colette tried to stop her laughter. "It's not like I'm planning on getting married. I mean I've met you're ex-husband." She looked over at Abby. "And there's no way no how I'm falling into that trap."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Richard." Colette's eyes shot her a 'what-do-you-think-I-meant' look. "What a sod he was." Col pulled a face at a memory. "When did he come in?"  
  
"I don't know." She dismissed her question, desperate to change the subject.  
  
But this was overruled as Colette didn't seem to notice her discomfort and she relayed the story to Carter. "It was sometime last year and he came and announced he was going to be a father. Hoping that Abby would be fine about it."  
  
"I *was* fine about it Colette," she snapped. She never called her friend by her full name but she was fuming about what she was being revealed.  
  
"No I could see it in your eyes," Colette protested.  
  
Abby took a breath before she spoke. "Thank you." She forced a smile to hide her anger, but it couldn't hide the hurt in her voice as she pulled herself out off the sofa, and walking with her head held high strode confidently out of the room.  
  
~  
  
It was as she was collecting her coat that she heard a mumbled sorry. Turning round she looked at Colette and wanted to make her squirm a little bit more.  
  
"Colette, I know you're sorry. But I really didn't want my dirty laundry aired in public in front of a guy I haven't seen in, forever."  
  
"I know. Abby you do forgive me don't you?"  
  
"Yes." And to show she wasn't holding hard feelings she hugged her friend briefly. "Now go home and enjoy yourself tonight."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Watching Colette float as she walked away, Abby couldn't help but remember a time when she'd felt that happy. Before the fights and alternate silences, before everything started to crumble and she was helpless to stop any of it.  
  
~  
  
"Come on! You have to tell me who this guy is." Abby begged as they sat at the table waiting for Matt to arrive with Colette's latest blind date set- up. Col had sensed Abby was retreating into her self over the last few weeks and had taken it upon herself to take Abby out in an attempt to cheer her up. It was only at the last moment that she had told Abby about the set- up. She could tell Abby was annoyed at first, but Col made the guy sound like a dream and Abby was beginning to get excited about the night ahead.  
  
"Just wait and see, but I promise you, you won't be disappointed." Col smiled as she looked towards the door and saw them arrive. "See. Isn't he gorgeous."  
  
"You have to be joking." The panic started to set in her voice. Grabbing Colette's arm she shook it for attention. "Please tell me you did not set me up with Carter."  
  
"Why not? He's."  
  
"You want a reason?" Abby interrupted her, the fear still present in her voice as it rose in pitch with very word. "You want a reason why I can't date John Carter? Fine! Firstly, you can't set me up on a blind date with a guy I've known for over six years. Secondly, I can't be on a blind date with a guy I'm already married to."  
  
Abby didn't even notice the shocked expression in her friends eyes, because her own were glazing over as she tried to fight back the tears she'd worked so hard to stop all those years ago  
  
Nor did she notice that Carter and Matt had reached the table, Carter's eyes full of concern for her while Matt only looked on in confusion as she continued.  
  
"Thirdly, if we were meant to be together we would be and a stupid argument would not have sent him packing. And finally, I don't want to sit at the same table with the only man I've opened my heart to and who then publicly broke it." She wiped away the lone tear that had escaped. It was then that she noticed the shadow across the table, looking up her eyes met with Carter's.  
  
Panic overwhelmed her, pushing away from the table she nearly knocked over her glass in her attempt to flee.  
  
"No. I'll go." Carter stopped Colette from following Abby. Striding out of the restaurant he saw her slight form turn the corner. She was heading towards the river.  
  
Watching her lean out across the water, all he could think was that she looked incredible as her hair flowed behind her in the wind and it still amazed him how even the simplest glance of her could take his breath away.  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to ruin your night," he whispered as he took his place next to her, his back to the railings.  
  
"You didn't ruin it. I did. You should just go back."  
  
"What? And let the night sky have you all to himself. I don't think so."  
  
"You always come out with the corniest lines." A half-laugh escaped from her mouth  
  
"And you always run away," he said resignedly.  
  
"I don't want to do this now."  
  
"So when's a good time for you?"  
  
"John, leave it." Rolling her eyes, she saw him move to face her.  
  
"You didn't want to deal with it three years ago. So? You want to wait another three years?"  
  
"No. I just." She struggled to find her words. "Not tonight. please."  
  
"You mean our anniversary. You don't want to ruin our perfect and, only anniversary that we've actually spent together." She could hear the bitterness creep into his tone.  
  
"I didn't mean it that way."  
  
He angrily carried on over her words. "It's been three years since we eloped in Las Vegas, and yet tonight was the first night that you told somebody. And in one hell of a way too!"  
  
"I didn't mean for things to turn out that way. I just.you." Again she was stuttering trying to work out what the right words were and how to say them. "It was all to quick. It overwhelmed me. And I didn't know how to deal with it."  
  
"With it? With IT?!" His voice grew louder with each word. "It was a child, our child!"  
  
"I know that," she bit out furiously. "Our child and I lost it. You don't think I don't relive that moment, every hour of every day. You don't think I blame myself. Hate myself because I was stupid enough to get pregnant and then even stupider to get married to a guy who felt responsible."  
  
"So that's the only reason you married me?"  
  
"Oh you would love to believe that wouldn't you?" Her eyebrows furrowed together as her arms gestured furiously.  
  
"Well at this moment I can't think of another reason why you would have wanted to marry me."  
  
"Try love! Try commitment! Try security and comfort and knowing that you made me feel safer and happier than anybody I have ever known." She felt stupid at admitting these words, yet she carried on yelling at him anyway. Pushing her hair back from her face she turned away from him. "You don't understand.." She glanced up allowing him to hold her gaze. "Everything just got so confusing."  
  
They just stood there their eyes communicating more than words ever could. She could tell he was calming down, his voice of sanity was telling him things she didn't want him to think: didn't want him to even think could have been true because it would only be half right and would make her more vulnerable than was already feeling.  
  
"So? How was Cleveland?"  
  
He bit down on his lip, his head shaking at the blatant change of conversation. But if this is how she wanted to play things, then sure he'd let her. For now.  
  
"It was good. The people are nice. The city isn't as beautiful as Chicago and it has one huge flaw."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah a certain woman refused to come with me." Well walked straight into that one, Abby mused.  
  
"Don't start with me Carter."  
  
"We could have had a fresh start," he said, exasperated.  
  
"That's not what I wanted." She mumbled.  
  
Looking into his eyes she began. "I felt guilty. I didn't want that baby. I mean I loved it and what it represented I just I wasn't prepared for what it might turn into, you know I don't think I could have handled it being another Maggie or Eric."  
  
She paused for a moment and then whispered. "That I would be a failure again." Biting her bottom lip, her feelings were on full display. "But then I lost it and I lost part of myself and I lost you and I was a failure anyway. I failed you and I didn't even give it a chance.  
  
But you didn't know how I felt, and how could I tell you I didn't want that child? But afterwards, after the accident, you seemed distant like you were retreating from me, it was like you knew what I had done, how I'd felt and that you wanted to get away from me. I know you said that moving away would give us a fresh start and a chance to let go of the memories and begin a new life, but I didn't deserve that from you. And then you left anyway." Forcing a smile she looked up at him. She'd said way too much in her outburst. "I gotta go."  
  
"Abby, wait." He grabbed her arms in an attempt to stop her, but she shrugged him off.  
  
Shaking her head at him she called over her shoulder. "You did the right thing in leaving. Don't make a mistake in coming back." And she left, hoping he wouldn't follow her as she walked away.  
  
As she made her way back to the El, her stomach tying in knots made it difficult to move, her legs only barely managing to keep her upright. Spying a bench on the other side of the road she crossed over and collapsed. The tears that had only threatened before were now spilling out, her gasping sobs echoing through the empty streets.  
  
~  
  
"Hey, you." Carter said softly, his voice drifting over the road where he could see Abby sobbing her heart out. Crossing over he watched her compose herself, rebuilding the walls that had softened under her tears.  
  
"I thought I told you to go," she choked out miserably.  
  
"Yeah, I know you did, but you know I'm as stubborn as you when it comes to my decisions." He felt relieved when a small laugh broke out. "But seriously Abby we do need to talk."  
  
Sitting beside her on the bench he reached over and took her hand in his. It was only a small gesture, but it spoke volumes.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"You don't know?"  
  
"I don't know if I can handle it right now." Bowing her head, her loose hair hung down hiding her face.  
  
"What happened with us, Abby? After the miscarriage we just stopped communicating. You couldn't bear to be near me," he said, the hurt he had felt was evident as he spoke; and moved her hair away from her face.  
  
"I thought you blamed me." Turning out of his eye line, she needed to be away from his assessing gaze and his silence confirmed this statement in her mind.  
  
After a few uneasy moments she pushed her back the hair that had slipped back over her eyes and prepared herself to face him. Face him and whatever he had to throw at her.  
  
But she wasn't prepared for what she saw. The tears in his eyes shocked her, not once after she lost the baby had she seen him cry. He'd been strong to the point of frustration; she hadn't given much thought to how he was handling it and the façade he may have built up for her.  
  
"John?" She whispered. Closing the gap between them she rested her hand on his cheek but he flinched at her touch so she pulled back swiftly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."  
  
"No." He grabbed back her hand and cradled it between his own, his thumb absently circling the soft skin on the top of her hand. "Abby I wanted to be strong for you. It just backfired."  
  
"It backfired? You chose strength against honesty?! You wanted a new start and I just wanted time to get through the hard part." Dropping her eyes from his probing gaze, she watched in fascination as his hands continued to caress her own.  
  
Slowly he stopped holding her hand with his right, using it instead to lift her gaze back to his.  
  
~  
  
He couldn't bear to watch her being in so much pain. Tonight was bringing back a flood of memories, which had been left behind only surfacing in the darkest dreams and the loneliest of nights.  
  
"I just wanted to make things better. You were drawing away from me and I wanted to get you back."  
  
"It was just timing Carter." He heard her slight voice crack.  
  
"Timing?" He asked, the absurdity of the phrase registering in his mind.  
  
"You know. The timing counts for everything." His chest compressed as she snatched back her hand.  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
She looked into his eyes and said. "Sure you do. Every time you do any kind of task you have to get the timing right. Otherwise it all goes wrong."  
  
"That's utter crap and you know it."  
  
"Do I?" He watched her turn away from him again. Her soft voice had barely reached him, but struck the optimal chords.  
  
"Abby." He tried to grab back her attention.  
  
"I'm sorry. I. John. I just can't deal with this. I thought I'd gotten past this, gotten over you. But it's just so hard." She stood up and began pacing around the small area she had claimed as her own and managed to avoid both his gaze and his body as she went. "I put up this huge show for everyone when you left. It was like I had to show them I was okay and in doing that, show you that I was fine even though you weren't around to see it."  
  
Abby finally gained the courage to look up at him her brow furrowed with puzzlement. "Why did you come back John?"  
  
"To find out."  
  
"Find out what?" Her voice broke.  
  
"Where we stand. I wanted to know if we could give it another shot, or if it would be better to just give up the ghost and finally move on."  
  
"So why now?" she whispered as she sat next to him. "After three years, what made you decide it was now time?"  
  
"Gamma's ill," he said simply, yet his tone spoke volumes and it took all Abby's willpower not to pull him into her arms and comfort him. She knew his grandmother had always been his lifeline, his one link to a happy family and now he was losing her.  
  
"I'm sorry John, I didn't know."  
  
"Well how could you? It's not like we're together." There was an edge to his words, which he quickly dispelled as he took her hands in his. "I still love you Abby, but I can't go on like this. So just say the word and I'll be gone from your life. I'll still care for you and think about you all the time, but this isn't healthy.  
  
If Gamma's illness has shown me one thing it's that I have to sort my life out. I need to know if you're going to be a part of it." He paused as he realised what his next step would be, he didn't want to go through with it and hurt her again, but this was something he needed to do for himself, he was giving her a choice - something he couldn't and didn't want to decide for her. "I got my lawyers to draw up divorce papers, but it's up to you Abby. I understand if you don't love me anymore, that's a possibility I've been able to come to terms with. I just need to know what you want."  
  
"What do you think I want?" She murmured loudly enough for him to hear clearly.  
  
"Christ, Abby! If I knew that, I wouldn't be asking!" He snapped.  
  
Turning his head towards her he immediately regretted his actions. Her eyes were reluctantly letting tears softly fall down her cheek. Reaching over he used his thumb to gently caress her face and clear the tears away.  
  
"I thought about you constantly," he said softly.  
  
"I missed you so much." Her voice matched his own.  
  
Then added softly, so softly that what she spoke could have been mistaken for the light breeze. "I love you, John."  
  
Leaning into his touch, her head found its way to the nook on his shoulder. There she stayed for barely a few moments, her eyes closed as she inhaled his scent, but it was long enough to feel comforted.  
  
Lifting her head she gazed back into his eyes and smiled. "Can I call you tomorrow?" Rising slowly from the bench, she was emotionally tired and needed to go home and sort out the thoughts that had begun to rampage through her mind.  
  
"Abby." He started, but the soft look she gave stopped him and he merely nodded.  
  
As she walked away he called after her. "Can I give you a ride home?"  
  
"Thanks, but I'll take the El." 


	3. Chapter 3a

**Disclaimer: **I've said it before and I'll say it again, they aren't mine. If they were, I would share. My Dad always taught me to share! 

**Author's notes:** I know it's been a while since I updated this. To be honest it has been done since I posted the last chapter, I just haven't had chance to proof read it until now. I'd like to thank Court for the initial proofreading and Lil' Miss Lily for her ideas and help. Since this chapter is 4000+ words long and I don't have time yet to look at the second part, I've split it into 2 and here's part a – hope it was worth the wait.

Part 3a 

"I'm such an idiot." He paced around the lounge with Susan looking on. "I can't believe I did that to her again."

All Susan could do was watch him as he nervously ran his fingers through his hair, her eyes asking the 'What?' question that she didn't feel was necessary to voice.

"I told her I wanted a divorce… I don't want a divorce," he confirmed more to himself than to Susan.

~

"I ran again. I can't believe that I left him again." 

Abby sat on her sofa, the coffee she clutched between her hands had long gone cold, with Colette hovering over her like a mother hen. 

"Will you sit down, you're making me nervous." Abby's control was staring to slip and Colette's pacing wasn't helping.

"I'm sorry I set things up the way I did last night." Colette said as she sat next to her. "If I'd known things were how they were between you I wouldn't…"

"It's okay." Abby interrupted her. "You weren't to know, nobody knew… It isn't exactly the kind of thing you want to shout about from the roof tops."

Smiling reassuringly, Colette went on to ask. "So what did he say?"

"That he loved me, but he wanted a divorce."

~

"So you think I blew it?" He tentatively asked.

"I don't know. How did she look when she left?"

"I don't know. But she said she'd call me today… That's a good sign right?"****

~

"He still loves me, in spite of everything else, all the crap that has been thrown at us; he said he still loved me." She smiled at the girl sitting next to her. "But I still don't get it."

"Honey." Colette reached over and gave her a slight hug. "What's not to get? Obviously the guy's completely besotted with you; I mean he jumped at the chance to go out with you last night. I just assumed it was your humorous wit and sparkling personality, you know the way you made him feel like he was part of the ER family." Nudging Abby with her elbow, she tried to make her friend laugh.

"You don't get it. I haven't told you… I didn't even tell him." Looking at Colette she chose her next words slowly. The accident hadn't been her fault, but she couldn't help subconsciously thinking that it was because of doubts and anxieties that it happened.

~

 "You just threw a hell of a lot of information at her." Susan began. "Maybe she just needs time to sift through it."

"She thinks I blame her for the miscarriage, Like I could ever do that, if anything it was my fault." His head began to spin as he remembered that day. "She'd just washed all the curtains in our new apartment. I was working a double… I'd told her I'd hang them… but you know Abby, stubborn to the core. She wanted the apartment looking good for when I got home." He paused for a moment remembering the heart-wrenching look she gave him as he'd entered her hospital room. She'd been taken to Northwestern as County had been closed to trauma, which meant no one had known nor found out that they were either married or that she was pregnant.

~

"That's when all the arguing started. Just little things at first; he would say something, which would start me off." Abby spoke, not noticing the tears slipping down her cheeks. "I didn't want to hurt him…"

~

"So I suggested we move, start afresh. Where no one knew what happened and the memories wouldn't be there reminding us of what could have been."

~

"I didn't want that. I felt guilty enough that I'd lost his child and then he wanted to move away… For me… I didn't deserve any of that." Abby sat silent for a few moments, trying to compose herself.

"What do you want to do?"

"What?" Abby was unsure of Colette's meaning.

"About the divorce? You do still love him don't you? Or are these tears for something else?"

"You don't think it's too late?"

~

"It's never too late Carter."

"So I should tell her. Lay all my cards out on the table… But what if she rejects me again. I don't think that's something I could handle." Looking over at Susan he searched her eyes for reassurance.

"To be honest, I don't know how she's going to react, but you have to take a chance and hope that everything works out."

~

"I have to find him."

                                                                        *

"Hey." Her soft voice echoed across the rooftop. "Susan said you were up here."

Her eyes frowned, as she got closer, noticing how tired and defeated he seemed. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Busy day, though."

Abby walked purposefully towards him. The seriousness etched on her face worried him slightly, but remembering his promise to Susan, he was going to tell her everything and hope that the outcome would be positive.

Pulling out the deck chair next to his, she sat opposite and smiled. The same smile that he'd missed out on for so long, and an involuntary smile appeared on his face, mirroring hers.

"I've been thinking."

"Oh?" He replied cautiously, unsure of her motives, even though her presence here seemed positive.

"About what you said."  

"You mean the divorce?" he offered quietly, he knew that had been a mistake the moment the word had left his mouth

'The divorce', the harsh word ran through her mind, her stomach churning at the implications. Last night, she had barely heard those words; her focus was on the fact that despite everything she'd said and done, he was still in love with her. So she asked cautiously, "You want a divorce?"

"No!" he reacted quickly over her words, aware that for the second time in as many days, he'd said the wrong thing. "I didn't mean to say it that way…"

Getting out of his chair, he pulled Abby to her feet; gazing into her eyes he began to recite the speech he'd been planning for most of the day. 

"Abby. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." He watched her nod in understanding and appreciated her willingness to listen to him. "Its just… so much time has passed and I didn't know how to reach you. Then with Gamma getting ill and the vacancy at County. It just seemed the right time to come back. You know, like fate had thrown me a lifeline – so I had to take it.

I hated how we left things – you were mad at me and I should never have spoken to you the way I did. It just made me so frustrated that I couldn't reach you. No matter what I said or did."

"It's not your fault, John." She sensed how frustrated he still was, a feeling that she had blocked out at the time, but was now quite evident. Reaching up her right hand, she caressed his cheek soothingly. "I don't think you could have said anything. I just needed time."

"Do you think you've had enough time?" he whispered, not wanting to scare her.

"I think so… I think we still need to talk, though."

"Talking is good." Carter smiled at their breakthrough. 

Abby laughed nervously, nodding her head she replied. "Yes, it is."

"How about we go for coffee? On me?" He asked hopefully.

Glancing down at her watch, Abby looked back up at him regretfully. "My shift starts in 20 minutes." Noticing his look of disappointment, she hastily added, "I'm only working a half shift, so I could meet you at Doc's at 6:10 or so?"

"I need check on Gamma, but I could pick you up later, at 7:00? We could go for dinner."

"Sounds great," she replied, and she could see the relief in his eyes.

~

She nervously paced her living room, He wouldn't be mad at her – he didn't have the right. He would just be disappointed.

On her way back from work, Abby had realized that Carter wouldn't know where to pick her up. She had moved out of their shared apartment, giving up the lease, only a few months after he'd gone. Upon realizing this, she'd left a message on his mobile with directions to get to her apartment. She just hoped he'd gotten it.

Carter's knocking stopped Abby's pacing. Moving towards the door she checked the peephole before opening.

"I wasn't sure if you'd find the place or not." Abby figured she would get this discussion over with quickly, not wanting to tarnish the rest of the night.

Letting him in, she closed the door softly behind him and leant on it for support as she watched him walk to the center of the kitchen/living room.

"I see you kept _most_ of our furniture," he finally said, after he'd surveyed the place for a few moments.

"It didn't all fit."

"It managed to fit into our apartment," he stated matter-of-factly, though he wasn't quite sure how he should be feeling right now.

"I couldn't afford _our_ apartment."

"I sent you the money to pay for the rent. If I'd known you'd had to move here I'd have…"

"-You'd have what?" she interrupted him, suppressing her feelings of anger at his gall and working to sound calm and collected. "John, I couldn't take your money."

"You're my wife, Abby. What's mine is yours and vice versa," he said, exasperated. The neighbourhood where she'd moved wasn't crime-ridden by any means, but he still didn't like the thought that she had been walking these streets alone at night.

"But we weren't together." She tried to make him see it from her point of view. "I felt bad enough as it was. I couldn't take your money and I couldn't afford to live there on my salary.  Besides…"

She stopped mid-sentence, not sure if she should continue.

"Besides what?" Carter watched as she moved to sit on the couch and he wasn't sure if she'd even heard him. Crossing the room, he sat on the coffee table opposite her. As he looked into her eyes he saw her mask was once again in place. "I didn't do it to offend you, Abby. I just… this was the only way I could think of to make you feel secure and happy… I just wanted you to have one less thing to worry about."

"I know you did." Her voice was quiet when she finally answered him. "I couldn't live there, though… it held too many memories… It was so lonely and quiet after you'd gone… and it just didn't feel right living there."

He hadn't even thought of that; he'd just put enough money into her account every month to make sure she could afford the rent. "I'm sorry, Abby, I didn't think. But why didn't you use the money to get a better place?"

"Pride's a funny thing." She nervously bit on her bottom lip as she spoke.

"So you're living here because of pride?" His frustration was evident as he spoke. 

Abby reached across and took his hands in hers; her eyes meeting his as she spoke softly. "John, I couldn't live there and I couldn't take your money. This is the best I could afford… You know, what's done is done," she half laughed as she finished. "It can't be undone." ****

She let him think for a moment before she'd had enough of the silence. Dropping his hands, she got up and went to get her coat. When she turned back to him, he was still sitting there, staring into space.

John really didn't have an answer for her. He'd wanted to reach out to her and let her know he was still there for her, but she was right. Turning to watch her, he saw that she was smiling at him. He remembered how much he'd loved how her eyes sparkled when she looked at him.

"Come on, let's go eat… I'm starving!" she said playfully in an attempt to get rid of the unwanted tension.

**2nd Authors note: **Did you notice my SPA shout out? I wasn't going to keep it, but Court said it be would fun! 

I have a few queries about an older fic of mine, so for those of you who have read my 'Trouble With Happiness' fic over at Lyns's site or The Lounge, an epilogue/Chapter 10 is in the works, but it isn't that good, so at the moment it's staying right where it is.             


	4. Chapter 3b

As promised here's part b – hope it's up to scratch.

Part 3 b

"So where we going?" Abby asked. He was driving, he still had a jeep though he'd bought a newer model, and they seemed to be heading away from the city.

"You'll see." He grinned mysteriously.

Laughing at his playfulness, she then reached down to the radio. He had it switched to the soft rock channel and Slide by the Goo Goo Dolls was playing. Sitting back, she closed her eyes and relaxed. Smiling slightly whenever she heard Carter humming along to the songs he knew. 

This is how it should always be she thought to herself, then stopped this is how it used to be before. 

                                                                        *

The restaurant was beautiful, a quaint little old English style place. The dim lighting and small coves were great for providing the illusion of privacy and intimacy.

The waitress showed them to their seats and Carter pulled Abby's chair out for her to sit down. She'd been quiet for most of the journey and he was concerned that maybe she wasn't ready for this.

He watched as she thanked the waitress for the menu and began searching through. Finally she looked up and caught his eye, confusion in her eyes when she realized he hadn't looked at the menu yet.

"You know what you want already?"

"I'm going to take the steak." Carter paused before answering. Then before he could say anymore the waitress appeared with their drinks.

They gave their orders and then sat looking at each other, neither of them knowing what to say, or rather how to start.

"This place is beautiful, John." Abby smiled as she spoke, which reassured him that maybe she was okay, but that didn't stop the niggling feeling at the back of his mind. "How did you find it?"

Carter smiled back, starting with small talk seemed a good idea. "Gamma and I used to come here."

"How is she?"

"Not good." He didn't want to go into any more details; this night was for them. Her eyes told him that she wouldn't leave it at that. "She's slowly drifting away from me and there's nothing I can do. Nothing the doctors can do, we just have to wait and make sure she's comfortable."

"I'm sorry, John." Reaching out she placed her hand over his and squeezed it reassuringly.

Shaking his head at the earlier memory of his grandmother in bed, hardly being able to talk and only barely remembering who he was.

"Me too." Forcing a smile. "This isn't the right time or place to talk about her."

"You look like you need someone to talk to though." 

"Maybe tomorrow. I want tonight to be about us."

"Tomorrows good for me." Abby smiled at him. They seemed to be on the same page at last.

And then the silence came again, followed by nervous giggling.

"This is going well, isn't it?"

Carter raised his head up cautiously, and then noted she was laughing. And he had to smile with her. "I guess it's hard to know where to start, right?"

Abby nodded, there was so much to say and talk through. So much was at stake and neither wanted it to go wrong again. But things still needed to be said, so she figured she would start at the root. She knew he wouldn't bring it up first; he was too much of a gentleman to even broach that subject without knowing how she was going to react.

"Maybe we should start at the beginning…" Carter nodded in agreement. "Okay… um…"

And that was it they began talking, slowly at first. Like a first date – when you barely know the other person and then when you realize what you share in common the uncomfortable silences occur less often.

Carter told Abby how much the miscarriage affected him, how much he hurt, and how he felt he had to mourn the loss of his child in silence because he wasn't sure how to react around her. "The pregnancy may have been an accident" He finally addressed the sorest part of the subject. "But it was an accident I could have happily dealt with, and I know you didn't want children – but I could see how happy you were when you found out. You were practically glowing." He teased.

She giggled slightly at this; a child wasn't something she ever felt would complete her life, but having part of him inside her made her feel, whole.

"I just wanted to make you feel better, I guess I didn't do a good job of it though." Carter trailed off at the end, sounding like he regretted what he'd done. Wished he could have done better, something more to help.

Reaching across the table Abby took his hand in hers. "I didn't deserve you, I was selfish and I never even imagined what you were going through…"

"Which was my fault." He interrupted, but she shook her head.

"No, I was in my own world. Angry because I lost a child I wasn't even sure I wanted. So I felt guilty." Abby swallowed slowly, she'd shouted this at him the other night, but only now realized how true it was. "I didn't do it on purpose, I just wanted the place to look nice for you…"

Abby trailed off as the tears in her eyes began to well up, taking her hand back she wiped them away and gave Carter a small smile to try and show him, that really, she was fine. Not that he bought it – when she wasn't trying to hide, he could still read her so well.

"Abby, I don't blame you. I never did… Accidents happen every day – we see them happen every day."

"But…"

"No buts Abby. If you can't believe me on this, then there's not really any point us being here." He didn't want to be a hard ass about this, but it was the only way he could get through to her. 

And it did, momentarily she was stumped. "Oh." She said somewhat shocked; then she smiled. "I guess it's something I'm gonna have to get used to."

"I guess it is." He raised his eyebrows and grinned at her.

The waitress interrupted them again, to bring their food.

As they ate, Abby brought up her friendship with Colette. "She's been so good to me, I think we helped each other when we were both at a sore point in our lives. She wants to get to know you though." 

Carter raised his eyebrows curiously. "Yeah she wants to make sure you're good enough for me!"

"She does know we're already married right?" He laughed contagiously.

"Yes, she knows we're married… She also knows you asked me for a divorce." Abby watched his face drop and could have kicked herself at that comment. "I didn't mean it that way… I'm sorry."

"No, there's no need to be. I did ask you and," he sighed when he realized what he must continue to say. "I still think we should."

"Oh." Abby whispered, downtrodden.

"But I want us to start over, from scratch. It's not like we had a perfect marriage anyway." He looked at her, but she was focusing on her plate as she moved the last few morsels around.

"Abby? Look at me please." He couldn't say this to the top of her head, so he waited for her to look back up. When eventually she looked up, she placed her hands under her chin and watched him. "I want us to start again, dating, friendship – the whole deal. Then when we're ready we can think about an engagement and do it properly. Not the rushed secret that we had before."

His eyes spoke to her hopefully. Abby had always found it difficult to resist those eyes, especially when it was something she also wanted. A small smile formed on her lips, which he must have seen, as his face slowly started to light up. 

Abby was first to speak. "So we're getting a divorce then?"

"I guess we are… And you're okay with that?" He was still nervous of her feelings.

"Yes." Abby nodded. "I just better get a proper engagement ring next time."

"Come on?" He whined jokingly. "You're telling me that the ring I gave you. The ring that is hanging round your neck!" Busted! Abby grinned at the realization that he'd seen the necklace and it's adornments. "Isn't good enough for you?"

"Well…" She said mock serious tone. "With those Carter millions, people are going to be expecting diamonds."

"Careful." He laughed. "I might begin thinking all you want me for is my money!"

"Hmmm." Abby put her head to the side and looked him up and down. "I think it's more for the delectable body you hide under those scrubs!"

The waitress returned at this point to clear away their forgotten plates. "Can I interest you in our dessert menu?"

"We could share." Abby offered. 

Carter nodded and knew that he would come out worse in this, but it would make her happy.

"Do you have you any hot fudge sundaes?" Abby asked with a childlike innocence and was pleased when the waitress nodded and went to the kitchen to get the dessert.

"You really going to share it?" 

"Of course… I never said how much of it I was going to share though."

Carter just laughed, he was used to this game. 

"So how are Eric and your mum?" 

"They're good, some might say great… Well they would say great." Carter looked at her, slightly confused by her response, so she continued reluctantly. 

"They have this pact." Abby gestured the ridiculousness of it with her arms. "They both have to stay on their meds and if one goes off then the other would also."

"Are you serious?"

"Yep – they told me that they cared about each other and me too much to mess it up this time. I don't think they realized the consequences if it all goes wrong." The last sentence held an edge of bitterness to it.

"Abby…"

"Screw um." She said over him. "Their lives not mine, I've dealt with it to many times… Anyway." Abby forced a smile. "This night's supposed to be about us… Desserts here!"

The hot fudge sundae was placed in the middle of them and as soon as the waitress was out of site Abby pulled it over to her side and picked up a spoon. 

"You want some?" Abby asked reluctantly.

"You did say you were going to share."

"I know." She loaded up the spoon and took a bite and then loaded it up again, though not quite as fully. "Okay open up."

Leaning across the table she fed him the small morsel and then continued to eat.

"Um Abby?"

"Yeah?" she replied innocently.

"Share?" Carter saw her pout a little then she reluctantly she fed him another small morsel. "You know if you didn't want to share I could have ordered my own."

"You want to finish it?" 

Carter looked at the last few dregs in the bottom and declined. This was the way it always was and the way it should always be.

"What are you grinning at?" Abby asked after she'd finished eating.

"Us."

"Oh." 

"Are you ready to go?"

Abby nodded. 

While Carter paid the bill she went to the ladies to freshen up.

                                                                        *

"I had a really good time tonight." Abby said as they pulled up to her apartment building.

"Me too." 

"You want to come up for coffee?" She asked, not quite ready for the evening to end.

"I think I'll just walk you to the door."

She nodded in understanding, they were taking things slow and he was respecting her boundaries.

Carter got out of his side and walked round then helped her out of the car. Taking her hand in his, they walked inside and up to the 2nd floor. As they reached her door he pull her into his arms and whispered goodnight into her hair. 

Pulling away, Carter leant down and kissed her softly on the lips, then said. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"Goodnight," she called after him as he walked away.


End file.
